How ‘Intensive’ Parenting is Making Us Lonely

Last month, Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs hosted a celebration for the one thousandth episode of the beloved audio drama, Adventures in Odyssey. The event sold out well in advance, with over 6,000 people visiting a decked-out replica of “Whit’s End” and joining two live recordings.  

Among the reasons Adventures in Odyssey means so much to so many is the enduring premise of a setting almost impossible to imagine in the real world today. At this small-town ice-cream shop and “discovery emporium,” kids gain spiritual advice from wise, old inventor, Mr. Whittaker. It’s a place of safe independence. 

In contrast, American children enjoy far less un-surveilled freedom today. In its place is a rigorous, “helicopter” parenting style often outsourced to those able to provide the constant supervision we consider ideal. This may be why we constantly hear how intensive, expensive, and time-consuming parenting is in 2024.  

Though how we got here is a complex story, psychologist and author Jonathan Haidt and researcher Peter Gray have argued that the rise of high-intensity, high-anxiety parenting has been tough on kids. Children unable to choose or structure activities that are not micromanaged by an adult have lower executive functioning, emotional control and social skills, and are less happy well into adulthood. 

High-intensity parenting has also been hard on parents. Recently, demographer Lyman Stone summarized the research from several countries on how parents report spending time. Despite the widespread belief that today’s parents are more dedicated and attentive to their children, it turns out there has been “little overall change in demands on parental time…” As Stone writes, “There doesn’t seem to be a close correlation between supposed increases in ‘childcare’ time and time parents spend ‘with kids.’” 

So why does it seem as if modern parenting is more demanding and parents report feeling more exhausted and “swamped” by their childrearing duties, even as they have fewer children than ever? One possibility is that more of the “parenting” in prior generations was done in community, at playgrounds, in living rooms, around grills, and in church fellowship halls. A major factor Stone pointed to, especially for mothers, is the death of the playdate. 

The time moms spend with friends is down by close to 50% since the early 2000s, and time with friends who are also mothers has fallen even faster. In the 2000s and 2010s, writes Stone, “the average mom could expect to spend about 1.2 hours a week with her children and with a friend (possibly another mom),” whereas “today she can only expect to spend about 30 minutes.” 

Ironically, the internet-fueled “intensity” of modern parenting may be worsening this trend, and not just because smart phones and social media have replaced real-world community. Ideas like “gentle parenting,” organic and health-conscious trends, and the general worry about traumatizing children bring fear of judgment from other parents. So, many refuse to risk getting together in the first place.  

As a result, many parents and children are deprived of community that previous generations enjoyed. Not only is the independence and free play celebrated in Adventures in Odyssey increasingly rare, but the ordinary duties and demands of parenthood feel much heavier when carried alone. Little wonder so many young Americans say they just don’t want kids. Of course, there are many reasons for that trend—cultural, economic, political, and even spiritual. Still, it doesn’t help that those choosing to raise children face such unprecedented isolation, pressure, and fear of making a mistake. 

This is another area where Christians, as historian Tom Holland puts it, can be “weird.” One of the deeply practical things we can do to restore a pro-family and pro-natal culture is to stop trying to parent alone. As Tim Carney of the American Enterprise Institute jokes in his book Family Unfriendly, we need more parents’ get-togethers where no one watches the kids. 

Of course, what he means are gatherings where, in a sense, everyone is watching the kids. Research on child development shows that unsupervised play is beneficial and, ultimately, keeping kids from adventures, whether in Odyssey or another town, is likely doing more harm than good. One of the simplest ways for Christians to obey the Apostle Paul’s command to “bear one another’s burdens” might be to make parenting a little less lonely.